I'm finding it really hard to wrap my head around explaining how I feel about motherhood. You know how sometimes you have a feeling that's contradictory or doesn't fully make sense?!
It's just this bizarre thing because I feel so damn tired all the time and like I can never get a moment to myself, but I've never felt happier/wanted to be doing what I'm doing.
I miss so many things about my "old" life. I miss being able to shower when I want. Or brush my teeth, eat, go to the toilet. You know, just basic necessities 😂. I miss being able to leave the house and meet up with a friend on a whim. And I won't lie, I miss being able to have a drink without having to plan carefully how much milk to express beforehand. I also miss being able to dress without considering breastfeeding! But I wouldn't trade any of this for what I have now.
I'm actually getting so emotional as I write this because it really is true, nothing can prepare you for it. It's like a whole different kind of love. And all of the negative things are completely outweighed by it. As I write this Björn is sleeping peacefully in my lap. Looking down at him I wonder what I did to deserve such a precious little baby! Sometimes it feels like a dream or it's too good to be true (I also think I have imposter syndrome issues 🙈).
The other day I was feeling so exhausted, and was really struggling to keep up the enthusiasm with Björn. He was full of energy and I was completely depleted. So I lay on the floor next to him underneath his play gym - he smiled at me so cheekily and excitedly kicked his legs. I just burst into tears. Tears of joy and tears of exhaustion 😝. There. That's it! That's how I feel about motherhood... joy and exhaustion 🙌.